The determining factor in my decision to have my head surgically removed and re attached to my stomach at the naval, is the size of my penis.
The doctors tell me that I am above average in both length and width, and, as my urologist puts it, the gauge of my urethra opening is so impressive that none of the current available equipment can even get a reading.
Dr. Shtoopenborg has told me that he has applied for a patent on a tool he invented specifically to measure me. Not only can this tool establish the size of an opening, this amazing technological breakthrough can determine the depth of the urethra to within one millionth of .0001 degree, as well as wall integrity.
I can not say too much about his work on this new wonder tool, which the doctor plans to name after me for obvious reasons, but I can say this. It employs laser technology and heated fluid displacement under pressure.
Pressurized, heated fluid displacement was hailed as a brilliant achievement, in 1864, when Dr. Louis Pasteur developed it to achieve his, now world renown process of pasteurization. No one, till now, has tried to apply Dr. Pasteur's technique to urological measurements, but clearly it seems so obvious.
Here is how it works;
Through a needle, no larger than a knitting needle, the urethra is filled with a mildly, radioactive liquid solution, and then pressurized to 44 pounds per square inch and heated to 55 degrees Celsius. Only the radioactive particles within the mixture can escape. A laser, sort of an advanced Gieger counter, is employed to determine at what rate the radio active material escapes through the penis walls. This measurement, of escaping radio isotopes, tells us how thick the urethra wall is, as well as pinpointing any weakness in the walls cell structure. If more radioactive particles are detected in any given area, this tells us we may have a problem and where. As for urethra depth and hole size, these measurements are a far cry more simple to ascertain. The volume of the solution gives us our depth measurement. And the rate at which the fluid leaves the penis, once the proverbial cork is pulled, affords the good doctor a bearing on the diameter of the opening. For this a simple stop watch is employed.
All this means nothing to me anymore however, for Monday at high noon, I check into the Cedar Sinai medical center, and a mere 22 hours later, I awake a well endowed, sexually confident, fully functional member of society.
While the process of surgically replacing a human head from its conventional local to another location on the body is experimental, in fact it has never been successfully performed, my crack team of surgeons assure me I have very little to worry about. Early experiments on both earthworms and the homeless showed great promise.
Rather than bore you with the graphic, minute details of this ground breaking procedure, let me explain why I have opted for it. Every since I was an infant, I have been obsessed with the size of my penis. My earliest recollection goes to the root of my problem.
I was in my second trimester, I had not yet developed digits. All I had was four bendable flippers with five nubs at the end of each. I recall fondling myself with my leg flippers. I was quite content really, and then I noticed my twin brother. He was fondling himself with his arm flippers. I looked at my half developed penile stump and then I looked to my brother. He was monstrous. I mean at least fifty times more endowed than myself. And he was grinning, actually laughing at me. It hurt, I was crushed. At the time I had no idea how deeply this would affect me later in life.
Five months later my mother gave birth to identical twins. Identical in every way but one. She had one baby boy, me, and an identical baby girl, my sister. It never occurred to me that my sister was not stroking her mammoth cock, rather she was stroking one of her leg flippers. That is, it never occurred to me, until hypno - therapy. Dr. Sandusky is the genius who exposed this deep seeded scar. Knowing why, however, does not change the fact that I perceive my penis as miniscule. The truth of the matter is, I am unhappy and I need to remedy this. And that brings us to tomorrows operation.
My doctors put up quite a fight. But I was insistent, and, I had the cash. My doctors all tell me that the size of my member is beyond big. Dr. Yamimoto calls it gargantuan. Only my anesthesiologist, Dr. Washington, considers me to be of average length and width. The point is that the measured size of my genitalia is not at all the point. It is my own perception of myself that truly matters. And that is all that matters. So clearly radical head replacement surgery is the only option.
Why not the more conventional routine of penis implant augmentation you may ask? Well if what my doctors tell me is true, then obviously just a bigger dick may not do the trick. This coupled with the one percent risk of being rendered impotent rules out the simpler solution all together as I am dead set on having kids one day.
So still the problem remains, I perceive myself as small. The key phrase here is 'perceive'. And the answer is not to change my size, rather to change my perception. And what better way to do that than to change my perspective. New perspective, new perception. Simple, once it is explained.
As a footnote, and I don't know that it has anything to do with all this, my sister is considering having her breasts moved to her cheeks.
