Profile by Corky Bernstein

He's the victim of a cruel joke passed down from his father. Emery Emery's my real name. "I was named after my father. His name was Emery Emery and he named me Emery Emery, then he changed his name to Bob."

With a name like Emery Emery, he knew he was destined for a career in standup comedy. "It was either that or pretty much end up facedown in the gutter picking gravel out of my teeth, wondering why my butt hurts."

At 29, with nine years of standup behind him, Emery has his share of memories, like the time in Canada a heckler lady badgered him about his all black outfit and his ponytail, and Emery just snapped.

"Let me tell you something, lady. I am not the guy you want to talk to. I will shove my cock in your ass. No, no, no. Let me just change that to foot, all right? My foot will go so far in your ass, you will never feel another cock in it."

The lady's girlfriend intervenes, "You don't even have a foot that big."

She gets a laugh and Emery dispenses with her. "You, I wouldn't waste my time with a foot. I would just come in your eye and glue your eyelids shut. So shut the fuck up. And don't make me use the word these people want to hear."

Urging him to use the word, the audience begins chanting, "Say it, Say it."

Emery responds, "I would be willing to bet you two didn't pay to see the show, therefore I am going to use the word cunt."

The audience comes unglued and Emery improvises what has now become one of the highlights in his act. "Cunt is just a word, ladies and gentlemen. Every 20 or 30 years there is the new evil that we cannot say. What was the word 30 years ago?"

"Fuck" says an audience member.

"Fuck is right," says Emery. "Now if the word soap meant 'dripping gash,' I couldn't say that in 1994. But soap means 'soap' and cunt means 'cunt.' Of course, it would be kind of cool if the word soap meant 'dripping gash' cause then when I was a kid, if I said a dirty word, my mom would have washed my mouth out with cunt."

His comedy heroes are Lenny Bruce, George Carlin and the late Sam Kinison, who influenced him a lot, particularly when it comes to sex, which Emery says is fully designed to belittle and degrade women.

"I will never, ever get married again. For me it's a series of meaningless one-night stands, which, of course, means I never get laid. Well, that's not true. I got laid a couple of months ago. I was in Louisville, Kentucky, and this was a good one-night stand, the kind where you only had to spend seven or eight bucks on drinks. The kind where we weren't makin' love, we weren't even having sex. We were fucking, just pounding, just boom! boom! and she was screaming, 'Rape! Rape!' She knew how to turn me on."

But Emery has had some good relationships. "I dated a woman for four years after my divorce. Coolest woman I ever dated, but she stuttered One night she sold to me, 'I-I-I d-d-didn't wa-wa-want you to c-c-come in my mmmouth.' And I go, 'Spit it out'"

On sex with our furry, four-legged friends: "A friend of mine gave me a videotope, and I'm a little sick and twisted, but I never imagined that I would pop in a tape and see a woman suck a dog's click. I'm sitting there watching this tape and I'm thinking, I should not have a boner right now. Because then you have to analyze what it was that made you hard. Was it her naked titties or was it that little pink, fleshy dog-cock? Then loser this same woman's sucking curly pig cock, and I'm going, 'Where the fuck was she lost weekend when I was trying to get someone to dance with me?' I'm not kidding. Then this same woman is standing next to a cow, holding up the cow's tail for this guy to fuck the cow. She's fully nude and I'm thinking, Dude, look to your left. She'll fuck you if you just drag your dick in the dirt."

Then there's his take on peculiar sex laws around the country. "In Oregon they have what is called the Visible Erection law. You can get fined and jailed if you're caught with an erection, even if you're fully clothed. Anal sex for homosexuals and heterosexuals is legal, but a visible erection is illegal. I think what they're trying to say in Oregon is, if you have a visible erection, get it in someone's ass quick."

Emery Emery headlines in major rooms across the U.S. and Canada and is hoping for his own HBO special where he can be his fully uncensored, unabridged, unadulterated self.