I cannot tell you about my childhood until I first tell you that I am now in a very good place. It was a long time coming to say the least. But with much perseverance and a little luck I was able to beat the odds and not go on to become an abusive, alcoholic, chain smoking, sex addicted, drug using, pathological lying pedophile.
With that out of the way let me move on with my tale.
You see my mom was an abusive, chain smoking, pill popping, nimpho, drunk who made me lie to everyone who called. Tell him I'm not home tell him I'm not home. And my uncle fucked me in the ass.
Here is the problem with pedophile humor - it simply can't work. As the audience you're thinking; man if that's true, it just isn't funny. Then you're thinking; man if that's not true, it just isn't funny.
My big problem is people who are hiding behind a bad childhood to do bad things.
"My dad raped me so my brother and I shot our parents." What do you suppose the Menendez couple is doing in the after life? "Well in our former lives our sons just snapped and killed us in cold blood so we sprayed graffiti all over the seven seals."
Maybe they were reincarnated as themselves in an alternate time line and they rape the boys there because they were killed by their own sons in a previous time line. And so on, and so on, and so on, and so on.
The bottom line here is what happened to the good old day's when a guy would get a bunch of hippies stoned and tell him he was christ and talk them into slaughtering rich famous pregnant women and then say "yeah I told them to do it because the Beatles told me to. Give me a psycho with conviction and a swastika carved on his forehead any day.
Here's where the whole trouble started. You remember Son of Sam? David Berkowitz? That freak in New York that was killing because his dog told him to? He said it was all because the dog was possessed by Satan. First of all if your dog is telling you to kill try it on the dog. Okay? If the dog won't die sell him. Then get another dog. If that dog tells you to kill, you know it's a conspiracy, the dogs are all out to get you - get a cat. When the cat tells you to kill, kick it. Do this until the cat stops giving you bad advice. Trust me, by the time he loses the use of his hind legs he will stop with the killing shit.
This whole "blame" thing is not David Berkowitzs' fault. You see, the Satan thing wasn't just out of the blue. Do you remember laugh in? The devil made me do it? That's right the whole "blame" Phenomenon can be linked to one man. Yes, I blame Flip Wilson.
